Love, with Lauren

Love. Validation. A sense of arrival.

I was always gripping, churning at the wheel inside, restless for something...

Always striving... and always feeling a little bit behind.

I was exhausted. My body- and emotions- were screaming at me, but I thought that was normal... until we got pregnant with our first baby and I *knew* things needed to change.

I did not want to hurt him with my own unhealed pain.

I needed to learn to take care of myself, to learn to take care of someone else.

With the help of my amazing husband, I slowed down. Stopped rushing. Laughed louder. Said "No" when I meant it.

I felt safe where there was once fear, a feeling of exposure.

I knew I'd be okay, no matter what.

I no longer cared to live a life that looked perfect on paper if inside it felt empty. 

Now, I can safely say that I am home.
I wake up to the sound of my baby laughing, a man I love - who loves me wildly and deeply back... a man who’s not confused or double-minded.

He sees me as infinitely valuable, and acts like it.

We belly laugh in the car. We dance in the morning like teenagers in love. 

We parent like lovers (not martyrs),

He holds the vision with me. Covers me in prayer. Calls me on my sh*t. Lifts me up.

And I don’t have to perform, chase, or mask myself to earn it- not that I would.

There’s no gnawing hunger in me anymore -

No hustle left in my bones.

I’m not here to seduce life into loving me, I live where it already does.

I steam my veggies. I bake my cookies.

I light candles. I bless my home with cinnamon. I walk through sunlit neighborhoods, skin warm, face bare, knowing I’m finally at rest in myself.

And when I sit with my desires now, they glow without that old aching pain. 

They hum like a promise already on the way. 

I don’t live in the land of addictions anymore.

I live in the land of warmth, of peace. 

And I want you to know - it’s real, and you can have it too. 

I'm here to show you how, and hold your hand along the way.​